Monday, 4 May 2009

Two Pints of Lager and a packet of Space

About ten years ago I wrote a script for the BBC that was pretty shit hot. Okay it wasn’t, it was just pretty shit, but I was bound by the stringent rules of the BBC Talent write-a-sitcom competition, which said that unless you wrote a sitcom about a bunch of twenty-somethings living together they’d not only refuse to read your script but they’d also do a shit on a kitten. So I wrote a pilot called Phil's Palace (which you can read here if you really want to) and it was rubbish and I missed the deadline and the competition was won by what ended up being Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps. If you’ve ever been beaten at conkers by someone with Parkinson's, you’ll probably know how that felt.

"What have I done? I was Jambo!"

A decade later, Two Pints has gone interactive. Fans this week have been presented with a dilemma. To quote the BBC website, “Donna and Gaz have divorced, so he can now be with Janet. But he still has feelings for Donna. So what should he do?” Those who care need only put down their Aldi crisps for long enough to click “Donna”, or “Janet”, with the most popular answer actually informing the actual ending shown on the actual television in your actual house! I know, never have comedy and technology fused in such an incredible way. Sadly, you can’t vote on how many jokes about wanking, shitting and eating kebabs there are, so one can only hope that standards are maintained without viewer input both in this series finale and in the many many series to come.

I have made a video of what Two Pints might look like a thousand years from now, when the talented cast have long since died and the humour has been obliged to live on through future people in space.

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