Tuesday, 5 May 2009

I'm the Fire Marshal, twisted Fire Marshal

As well as being the most prolific employee in my office of work I am also entrusted with the deadly serious position of Fire Marshal. I hope my use of capitals has instilled in your mind exactly how important this position is. In the event of the fire alarm sounding, my duties are:

1) Wear yellow hi-viz tabard
2) Tell people to go out of the door at the back of the room, not the front
3) Find the Chief Fire Marshal in the car park and tell them everyone is out of our room

I'm pretty brilliant at all these tasks, except I usually forget to do the third one and one time some people went out of the wrong door too.

My position as Fire Marshal is hard/rewarding but also very exciting. So exciting, in fact, that I think it should be the subject of a Commodore 64 game in the 1980s. Come to think of it I think I will call up OCEAN and pitch them my idea for Super Fire Marshal Man.

In the screenshot above, Super Fire Marshal Man is pointing his panicked colleagues in the direction of the correct fire exit. To point right the player must press the P key. To point left the player must press O, although on the level depicted, this would be a move with fatal consequences. Pressing the Y key makes Super Fire Marshal Man instruct his colleagues to walk, not run, and the R key makes him warn them to not even think of picking up any valuables and not even put their coat on or anything. The keys X through to N instruct Super Fire Marshal Man to use one of a number of different fire extinguishers according to the different types of fire, if, after assessing the situation, Super Fire Marshal Man believes the blaze to be at an early enough stage for him to tackle himself. Unfortunately, due to the number of advanced commands used, Super Fire Marshal Man may not be played with a joystick.

Although when released Super Fire Marshal Man will doubtless be the most fun game ever invented and will resurrect the fortunes of the ignored-of-late Commodore 64, I can only hope that the serious message of fire safety is not lost amongst all the excitement. I will probably have a warning sticker but on the box saying "Remember, in the real world you don't get three lives. And don't throw water on chip pans."

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