Sunday, 10 May 2009

Pixel Pervert

So I called up software house OCEAN to pitch my idea for Super Fire Marshall Man on the Commodore 64. The guy who answered sounded moderately interested but I could tell he was watching Cash in the Attic while he was speaking to me and I don't think I had his full attention. Anyway, he said something about it taking more than one new game to resurrect the fortunes a computer that has not been produced since 1994. He also said "sixty quid for a fucking candlestick?" but I think that was aimed at the television he was still watching.
So I decided I would devise a second game, and, taking inspiration from Cash in the Attic's very own ethos of
making money from old stuff, I thought I'd take a classic game, give it a 21st-century twist, and then make shitloads of money off of it.

So later that afternoon, after five hours and twenty-six minutes of intense programming, I came up with DoggerTM. In the screenshot below, you can see the main character, Dogger, waiting patiently by the side of the road for a sufficient lull in traffic for him to be able to cross over to the car park on the other side of the road, where some people from council estates are having sex in their cars.

Dogger: Stop, look, listen, peep

Once in the car park, Dogger scores a hundred points for every second he sucessfully peeps at the couple having sex without them noticing. For super high point scoring, Dogger can attempt to join in, by pressing the keys A to G to utter the following phrases.

A - "Hello, you have very nice hair. Can I touch it a little bit?
S - "Do you like my Mac? It's from Burton menswear."
D - "Who do you think was best on Countdown out of Richard Whitely and Des Lynam? I liked Richard best."
F - "Nice out tonight. They reckon it might rain later, though."
G - "I hope you don't mind but I have got my willy out."

I don't want to give the game away, but not all of those phrases will work, and if Dogger chooses the wrong phrase he may get a slap, and the resultant commotion may attract the attention of a passing police car. Dogger loses all his points in the event of his arrest.

If this game does not successfully resuscitate the Commodore 64 I will be very surprised indeed. The popularity of this video game, however, will inevitably see it blamed by the Daily Mail for copycat behaviour, so please, people, if my game fuels your desire to go dogging, be safe and use a condom. And probably take some Wet Wipes too: council estate people are dirty.


  1. Any chance of Pixel Pervert being released for the wii?

  2. I dread to think what action you would be required to perform with the Wii-mote...

  3. What's the certificate for this game? Would it be suitable for my eleven-year-old son?

  4. That's an interesting question James, and one with an interesting answer. Dogger will be the first ever game on the C64 platform to carry an 18 certificate. You should not allow your eleven-year-old son play it unless you are one of those scrubber families who have burgers for tea every night and let their children drink Wkd and do crimes.