Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Dyer here

I don't think any sane being would disagree that Danny Dyer is the most versatile actor/presenter/hardman-with-a-heart in the UK, if not the world, which is why I have spent the last few months persuading this unfeasibly talented chap to take me on as his agent. My goal achieved, I am pleased to reveal some of the projects I have in the pipeline for my new client.

Danny Dyer does "Cross face scale 5"

Britain's worst allergens

In this Channel 5 documentary, Danny Dyer travels the length and breadth of the country where, each week, he meets a different allergen and stresses how dangerous it is (all allergens interviewed are reformed characters and exempt from prosecution).

"Today I'm facking brickin' it, cos I'm meeting pollen, the scourge of geezers wiv 'ay fever all over the world. This is an allergen so fackin hard it 'as grown men crying like facking muppets. And sneezing like cants".

Kitten: "Ticking facking time bomb"

Danny Dyer's Poetry Forum

Each week Danny welcomes a different celebrity guest to talk about poetry.

CHRISTOPHER BIGGINS: ...in which he of course declares that "all that glisters is not gold."

DANNY DYER: The geezer ain't wrong. The avver week I buys a blu-ray player from some bloke dahn the pub, an' when I get it home he's only mugged me off with a facking DVD player! Cant! That's all for this week. Join me next week when Lenny Henry will be givin' it the big 'un abaht Keats.

Danny Dyer's Amazing Wildlife

WILDLIFE EXPERT: Though its name suggests it has a hundred feet, some centipedes actually have over three hundred.
DANNY DYER: Fack me!

"Same number of bones in their necks as humans?
You're having a facking giraffe!"

Zero or One with Danny Dyer

Gameshow. A member of the public is chosen from the audience to guess whether a random binary generating computer called CANT (Cockney-Accented Number Thing) will select a one of a zero. If the contestant gets it right fifteen times in a row they win 250,000 pounds. If the contestant gets stuck they have three lifelines: Clue, Ask a Celebrity and Kick the fack out of CANT.

DANNY DYER: Orwight darlin', you are proper cruisin' it. You're on a farsand pahnds so far and you ain't used any of yer lifelines. But this is where it gets serious: if you get this next one right you go to two farsand, but if you get it wrong yer lose everyfing. Do you want to play?

CONTESTANT: I do, Danny. I think I'd like to use my Clue lifeline.

DANNY DYER: Okay darlin', here's yer clue: last time it wuz a zero, what are the facking chahnces o' that 'appening again, that what you gotta ask yerself.

CONTESTANT: Hmm, that's true, it will probably be a one this time. But it could be a zero...I just don't know...I think I'm going to have to ask a celebrity.

DANNY DYER: Okay darlin, let's bring on our celebrity. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome Rik Waller!

*audience applauds*

DANNY DYER: Nar Rik, when you wuz on Pop Idol, did you ever have any tough decisions to make?

RIK WALLER: Not really. The songs I sang were generally chosen for me.

DANNY: Facking mint. So Rik, what do you reckon, zero or one?

RIK WALLER Well my heart tells me zero but my head says one. I'm leaning towards zero.

CONTESTANT: What per centage sure are you?

RIK WALLER: Only about 51 per cent I'm afraid.

DANNY DYER: That is statisitically more than 5o per cent, but not by much. The question is do you wanna risk it?

CONTESTANT: Gosh, this is so much easier when you play at home. I'm gonna risk it...I'm gonna say zero.

DANNY DYER: You're sayin' zero...we'll find aht if she's right after some facking adverts.

The Canal (feature film)

Danny Dyer plays The Boy, a mute found wandering the banks of Dublin's Grand Canal by a beautiful girl called Rose (played, in her acting debut, by Stacey Solomon), who lives on a barge. Rose sees the hidden depths behind The Boy's eyes that nobody else can see, and she falls in love with him. Together they defy the odds (people saying "Don't get off with him, he's a mute" etc) and through their love (spoiler alert) The Boy finds the voice he never knew he had.

Scene 6: The Boy and Rose are sat on the bank of the canal. She is holding a buttercup or something.

ROSE: I want for nothing when I am with you, don't you see? Many a girl dreams of riches, huge houses with pianos in every room and butlers at their beck and call; but I crave not these things. All that I need is in that barge, and sat here beside me on the bank. That's all I ever want:
you are all I will ever want. And though you may never utter a word of confirmation, I know deep down that you want the same.

Danny Dyer stares blankly

ROSE: And I know, when I look at you, that though you cannot tell me your surname, that you would have me share that name.

Danny Dyer looks confused/worried

ROSE: You needn't even say a word: I will marry you, I will!

DANNY DYER: What you
fackin' chattin abaht?

Look out for all these projects to hit your screens some time in the next year. If you too are seeking representation, please send me a CV and a video of you doing at least three facial expressions (Danny Dyer can do four, but it would be unrealistic to expect that of all my clients) and at least one accent (and a promise that is not actually your own accent). I look forward to hearing from you.