Thursday, 29 April 2010

Vote Cube

I've decided to stand in the upcoming election - I trust it is not too late and that this blog is a administratively sound means of entering the race. Without further ado, here is the manifesto of the Cube Party.


Stricter discipline to be enforced in schools. BY ROBOTS. Class sizes to be smaller - achieved by sending ten children from each class to work in a factory below the school repairing and maintaining robot teachers/support staff.

Off to a flyer: Cube election campaign


(Please do not read next part if you are an enemy of the UK) Get rid of Trident missile system, but (shhh!) pretend to still have Trident missile system. Achieve this by employing Eastern European immigrants, who will spend 6-month stints under water and their shore leave reciting from the following script:

SUBMARINER 1: Oh, I love working on the Trident submarine with the missiles that we have still got

SUBMARINER 2: Yes, I like that too, especially the bit about still having Trident

This system will please would be Tory voters, because it will mean that all the dirty immigrants are kept hidden deep beneath the sea for all but a few weeks a year.
Also, better tanks and body armour to be delivered to our brave troops. BY ROBOTS.

The Elderly

The elderly to be looked after around the clock. BY ROBOTS. Robots will be programmed to turn piss into affordable heating and nod in time to racist comments.


Pretty much sort economy out. Get rid of recession. With ROBOTS if necessary.


Police to spend more time on beat. Also police force to be staffed entirely BY ROBOTS.

I think that is all the main points covered. Critics of the Cube Party manifesto may point towards its heavy reliance on robots, but to those people I say "WTF, can you tell me a problem that can't be solved by robots. No I didn't think so."

I have to run now if I want to make it to the TV debate. I leave you with my party election slogan, the result of thousands of pounds worth of PR:

Don't be a pube - vote Cube.

I know what you're thinking, it sounds nonsensical - that what thought when I first read it. But read it again and ask yourself "Do I want to be a pube?" I think you'll find the answer is "no". Vote Cube on May 6, people.

This was a party election blog brought to you by the Cube Party

Let's see how many people I can trick onto the site...Oh, and reem al numery

Tuesday, 20 April 2010

Election Fever

Okay, so it's been four months since I last posted, but stop hassling me about it, already. For all you know I may have been in a coma for all that time. It turns out I haven't, thanks for asking, but what I have done is bought a Nintendo Wii, and that has been taking up a lot of time that could have spent blogging/washing/going outside/talking to a person. But I don't feel quite so guilty as I would if, say, I'd been playing on a PS3 all that time, because as everyone knows playing on a Wii gets you fit, whereas playing on a PS3 all the time just makes your girlfriend write things on her Facebook profile like "Helen Belmson is a PS3 widow LOLZ". If you even have a girlfriend. Anyway, the proof is in the pudding: here is me having a particularly rigorous session on Wii Tennis. I think I'm doing a forehand in that picture, or maybe a serve. I burnt so many calories in the pictured session that I damn near died, so please, if you have a Wii, remember to take a break every two minutes or so.

Wii Tennis: near-fatal fun

Anyway, I put the Wii-mote down for long enough the other day to make myself a sandwich and, let me tell you, I almost wished I hadn't, for when I opened the loaf, I found that the first few slices looked like this:

Holy bread, er, Batman

Yeah, tell me about it. I was pretty outraged, as you can imagine. I got straight on the phone to my friend, who is a Tory. Unfortunately, at the time, he was busy playing that game where you and a circle of friends wank on a biscuit, and his mum answered, but he called me back a few minutes later. His speech was initially muffled: I think he had lost the biscuit game. Again. Honestly, he fucking loves that game - sometimes he even plays on his own for "practice".

TORY FRIEND: Hey Cube, what's up?
ME: I'm just a bit depressed. I bought some bread and there were holes in many of the slices.
TF: That'll be Gordon Brown. It's just one of the ways he gets money from you.
ME: What, by putting holes in my bread?
TF: Yeah, it's a stealth tax
ME: You are so sage, Tory Friend
TF: So I trust you know what to do on May 6.
ME: What is happening on May 6?
TF: There is a General Election.
ME: Shit, that would explain my health of late. It must be election fever. I thought it was just the shits.
TF: Vote Tory mate. Say no to holes in bread (and fair taxes)

I'm not a man who knows a lot about politics, but my Tory Friend seemed to be talking a lot of sense, so, inspired by a billboard I walked past the next morning - a Tory campaign poster that employed the genius idea of saying nothing at all about the Conservative manifesto but rather pointing out that Gordon Brown (he is the current Prime Minister) has done something wrong (letting anyone out of prison ever) - I came up with my own effort, which you can see here

I have sent copies to Tory HQ, offering my advertising services for 3,000 pounds per day. They haven't got back to me yet. And I called Tory Friend a few days ago to tell him about my poster, but I couldn't hear what he was saying - it sounded, quite inexplicably, like he had an orange in his mouth or something. I tried again yesterday but his mum answered and she just sounded sad. She coudn't bring herself to say why she was so upset, but I assume it was because of something Gordon Brown did. The bugger.