Monday, 31 August 2015

Ain't No Party Like a Nice Cube Party

Okay, I haven't been around for a while. Long story short, I was watching MTV and the music video of Eddie Murphy's "Party All the Time" came on and I took that shit a little too literally. And just as I was coming to the end of what had been a year-long rave that Prince song came on and ever since then I have been partying like it's £19.99. I don't know if you've ever tried partying on that budget, but it's pretty brutal/a helluvan experience, let me tell you. I had to drink a lot of things from Aldi.

But that hiatus has not been in vain/a waste of your fucking time, for in the months I have been away I have learnt that not all parties are good parties. Sometimes you're at a party and someone called Graham is telling you about his job and his job is nothing to do with lego so why should you care and you just want things to be a lot better. If you find yourself at such a party here are some games that you can play.



Guess Zoo

ME: Do you have pandas?
BIG PHIL: Nah
ME: Okay *flips down Chester Zoo*
BIG PHIL: Do you have more than a million visitors a year?
ME: Tbh I don't have the requisite zoo knowledge to play this game

This game is a lot of fun. My only advice is that you keep eye out for cheap imitations like the one shown below.
Fraud: Stephen is clearly not even a zoo


I made the mistake of buying this. It was only £1.99 from Lidl but what a False Economy that turned out to be. Imagine my charred grin annoyance when I opened the box and found out that shit had nothing to do with zoos. A legal battle ensued, I won't bore you with the details.


Don't Talk About Back to the Future




Everyone sits in a circle making general conversation and having a nice drink (wine/beer/small Malibu etc). The only rule is that you're not allowed to talk about Back to the Future. "That is easy" I hear you say but you truly have no idea.

SOPHIE: I think it's ridiculous to suggest that Corbyn is unelectable
MARTIN: Oh come on, he wants to leave NATO; I mean seriously
TONY: Would that really be the end of the world? I mean-
GERALD: Can you remember that bit in Back to the Future when he goes back in time and meets his mum?
EVERYONE: Geraaaaaaaaald!
*Gerald drinks three fingers*

Purists argue that you are not even allowed to talk about Back to the Future II or Back to the Future III. Personally, I have no strong feelings either way, but I advise that you agree on the rules BEFORE the game. One time I didn't and now I haven't spoken to my sister for 17 years

Music Hall Chairs

Guest take it in turns to perform vaudeville-style variety. ON A CHAIR.

SARAH [on a chair, dancing about gaily and singing]: #Any old iron, any old iron, any any any old iron!#
EVERYONE: Top show, Sarah! What a gal!
STEVE: Okay, my turn now [gets on chair]
EVERYONE: Oh Steve, you have blacked up again. We have already told you our feelings about this.
[PARTY ENDS]

FFS Steve why must you always do this


Why Are You Doing That, David


When David is out of the room eg using the toilet everyone agrees that at some point in the party they will say to him "Why Are You Doing That David"

[David returns from the toilet. He pours a drink]
CLAIRE: Why are you doing that David
David: Why am I doing what? Pouring a dr-
[Claire has already walked off]

[David plays a song on the guitar for his girlfriend, who he is secretly about to propose to]
DAN THE MAN: Why are you doing that David.
[David's girlfriend leaves what has become a pretty awkward situation. David drops his guitar]

[David is crying in a corner]
ROBBIE: Why are you doing that David
DAVID: My girlfriend has left me. She said was embarrassed to be with me at parties.
ROBBIE: Why are you doing that David.

Party Till You Literally Puke

Party host plays their cassette single of Andrew WK's "Party Till You Puke". As the music plays everybody parties with increasing vigour until one by one they vomit on the carpet. If you don't vomit by the end of the song, you are the loser and are ostracised by the rest of the group.

GARY: Please talk to me; I was partying REALLY hard but I already vomited earlier at home and I had nothing left.
KAREN:...
GARY: Okay, you're right, I deserve this

Andrew WK: Party till you're holding a cat.




Seven Minutes in Heaven 17

A boy and a girl are locked inside a papier mache closet made in the image of 1980s new wave synthpop group Heaven 17 for seven minutes, during which time they are encouraged to "have sexy times/make out"

[Kate and Richard are inside Heaven 17]

RICHARD: Ummm, shall we y'know...
KATE: Hmmm
RICHARD: Oh, don't you want to? I mean, we don't have to...
KATE: I would, Rich, it's just that I'm finding it hard to think about anything other than Heaven 17 at the moment
RICHARD: I know what you mean, they were a great band. Being locked inside a giant papier mache Them really reminds you of that. How ironic that just a minute ago I was going to touch your boob and now all I can think about is their 1983 Top Ten hit Temptation
KATE: Lol what a pair we are
RICHARD: Rofl.


Your Heaven 17 papier mache cupboard may look different to the one pictured



Wink Minor Crime

Everyone sits in a circle. One person is secretly assigned the role of "minor criminal", whereupon they must "commit minor crimes" against the other members of the group by winking at them without the other members of the group seeing.

[Everyone moves their eyes around the other people in the circle. Spying an opportunity, Gerald winks at Sam]
SAM: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! I've become a victim of insurance fraud!
[Gerald stifles a grin; genuine unease sets in among the group]



So that's a few of my favourite party games, Cubefans. Perhaps you can come up with some better ones, but I doubt it. Until next time, party hard/responsibly.