Wednesday, 10 November 2010

I'm Cube, yes I'm the real Cube, all you other Cubes are just imitating

I’ve come up with an idea for an ITV Sunday-evening gameshow to be hosted by none other than me. It will be called THE PHILLIP SCHOFIELD

The Basic Premise

The host (me) invites a member of the public to get inside a massive perspex container shaped like Phillip Schofield’s anus. Once inside, they have to perform various fairground-style feats of skill in slow motion while suspenseful music plays. Each contestant gets some lives or something and if they win they get some money, probably. Here are some of the rounds.


The contestant has to guess whether a banana is under a bucket.

ME: What are you like at guessing whether or not there is a banana under a bucket?

GUEST: It is not my forte


The contestant has to poke a dead badger with a stick, without the stick touching the floor or anything. If it does and alarm sounds and everyone in the audience's emotions are affected in a bad way.

CONTESTANT: It looks easy. Poking a dead badger, when you watch at home, but now that I am inside The Philip Schofield it’s a lot lot harder.

HOST: Ten pounds if you poke the badger.


A pot of emulsion is hidden behind a small curtain. Said curtain is then removed for just half a second, during which time the contestant has to look at it really quickly. Then they have to guess how much emulsion is in the pot.

ME: You have three lives left. You stand to win twenty pounds, but you could lose the ten pounds you already have.

CONTESTANT: I’m torn on whether to go for it or not. On the one hand, half a second isn’t a long time, but on the other hand I do like paint.

ME: Take your time

There are other rounds but I feel it best to withhold these while contract negotiations with ITV are ongoing. If I divulged ALL my ideas here then that bastard channel would just straight-up steal them and get Andi Peters to host the show and I'd never see a penny. They're always doing shit like that. Stop messing with my shit, ITV: you have been warned.

Tuesday, 20 July 2010

The Cube guide to the best iphone apps: Part Two

Best iphone app No 5: What Would I look like Evil?

Obviously, dear Cubefan, you are incredibly lovely. Why right now you're probably baking a cake for foreign orphans. But you must sometimes wonder what you would look like if you were evil. Well wonder no more, for this app, which was devised by a team of the most technical nanoscientists in the world, uses ingenious technology to give you a terrifying view of your hypothetical evil self!

The picture above shows that even the world's loveliest man, Sir DavidJasonBless'im, can be turned evil. Look out Rodders, you plonker!

Best iphone app No 4: Well-paid Jobs

What products would you like Apple to overcharge you for next? That's the question Steve Jobs will be asking you, personally, EVERY WEEK if you install this app. Yep, you could be first to opine on/say how much money you would give Steve Jobs for every one of his next proposals!
And the good news is that those losers without iphones will never find out so you can be the first in line to spend your entire month's wage on that next big product. In case you missed the last two instalments of this app, they were the
ibud ("Like an iphone but smaller! (and doesn't make calls)") and the tri-pod ("Like an ipad but a triangle! (and doesn't make calls)").

Steve Jobs demonstrates the ipad mini:
"It's an ipad, but smaller!"

Best iphone app No 3: I Life

Want to reminisce about things that happened in your life but need C-list celebrities to help you? Then I Life is the app for you. Simply type in some key events from your life and minutes later a video of showbiz types including Jason Manford, Justin Lee Collins and Howard off the Halifax Ad will take you on a nostalgia trip you'll never forget! You'll laugh till you cry as:

Jason Manford recalls how "(Your name) had his first kiss with (her name) and she tasted of Pickled Onion Monster Munch. Can you remember Pickled Onion Monster Munch?";

Chesney off Coronation Street remembers "(Your name) fell off his bike and gashed his knee. You've never heard crying like it. Then he had some Jaw Breakers, do you remember them? They were well hard."

and Shane Ritchie muses: "(Your name) was 25 when he lost his virginity. What a loser. And then he had a Sherbet Dip-Dab. They were nicer than Sherbet Fountains, with the liquorice.."

GLC: "(Your name) used have a Grifter. What was that all about?"

Best iphone app No 2: Crabble

Like Scrabble, but all the words have to be to do with crabs. And I've copyrighted the name, so if you want to copy my idea you'll have to call your Crabulous or Wordcrab or something.

I did "pincer" on my next go.

Best iphone app No 1: William Roache Voice Changer

Not getting enough respect? Friends always playing tricks on you and you can't think how to get them back? Or just so bored of your own voice that you want to kill yourself? Then you need the William Roache Voice Changer app! Simply hold your iphone to your mouth (the way you would when making a call if you could ever get any reception) and marvel as the words that come out of your mouth pass through a synthesiser and are amplified in the guise of the voice of TV's William Roache!

Just imagine, you're in the library:

YOU: Do you have a book please?
LIBRARY ASSISTANT: Maybe, what's it to you? *chews gum*
YOU (disguising voice as William Roache): Do you have a book now?
LIBRARY ASSISTANT: Yes sir, I have several books and you can have them all. You don't even have to bring them back if you don't want to.
YOU: Heh heh!

Or perhaps you're at your friend Robert's house, and Robert has his back turned to you:

YOU (disguising voice as William Roache): Hey Robert!
ROBERT (spinning round to face you): thought that was William Roache!
YOU: No, it was me all along, using a cool new iphone app!
ROBERT: Well you totally got me! I guess now we're even from last week when I put shit in your cornflakes.
YOU: Heh heh!

Or perhaps you're hiding in a bush near William Roache:

YOU (disguising voice as William Roache): Hey, William Roache, I'm you!
WILLIAM ROACHE: Oh no, I this is pretty fucked up. *Throws himself in fromt of a lorry*
YOU: Heh heh!

The possibilities are probably endless.

Well, readers, that was my top ten. But what would your number one have been? Perhaps you have your own ideas for apps? Leave your ideas in the comments field, why don't you, but do it soon, because I have five science bods still chained in my cellar and only four Pot Noodles left...

Monday, 12 July 2010

The Cube guide to the best iphone apps

I've been away a while, I realise, but that is because I have been learning to be an expert in telephone science. I have acheived an accolade so high in this field it would probably kill you to even think about it, so for you mere mortals here is the fruit of my labours: the ten best apps for iphones (and those Android phones too), which I have spent the last two months programming. They're in reverse order, and you're only getting numbers 10-6 in this post, because I am pretty down with suspense these days.

Best iphone app No 10: Paul the Octopus Eastenders Predictor

That Octopus that predicted the World Cup results turns his hand(s) (legs, whatever) to predicting what will happen in Eastenders. Simply point your iphone at Eastenders and the eight-legged enigma will predict what will happen in that episode. In the example (left), Paul considers it unlikely that Dirty Den will return AGAIN, and instead (correctly) puts all his tentacles on someone getting smacked down.

Best iphone app No 9: Chris Tarrant Egg Timer

Ever get totally bored while timing an egg? I do. Well suffer such
cooking-time ennui no more with the Chris Tarrant egg timer app! Simply put your egg on to boil, and activate the app by touching Chris Tarrant on the face. From thereon in prepare yourself for an emotional rollercoaster ride as Chris Tarrant fills three minutes with suspense of the highest quality, speaking phrases such as:

"If you'd said your egg is ready'd be wrong."

"You want that egg don't you...but I'm not going to give you that now."

"You said your egg is ready's the right answer!"

Best iphone app No 8: Russell Brand Chat-up Lines

Want to get girls but can't because you are ugly? Well fear not, because Russell Brand is here to help you! Simply use your £35-a-month iphone's shitty 2 MP camera to take a photograph of your prey and the Russell Brand seductocomputerTM will use a powerful formula (Archaic polysyllabism to suggest intelligence +
cheeky reference to own genitalia to state intentions in a non-threatening manner + ridiculously fluctuating intonation to suggest comedy) to provide you with a chat-up line that is guaranteed to succeed.
Can't-fail examples include:

"Oooo, verily my winky hath become engorged at the sight of your breasticles, pritheeeeee!"
"Salutations good lady, wouldst though care to gander at my tallwacker?"
"Forsooth, me manhood has become right tumescent. Willst though chance a fondle, ooooooo!"

Best iphone app No 7: Twatter

Got something too banal to keep to yourself? Well you need never hide your trite under a bushel again, thanks to
twatter. Simply type your inane news into the twatter app and within minutes Stephen Fry will definitely be reading it. Here are some of the best twats I've read this month:

"Wonder whether I should take a brolly out - you never now what it's going to do"

"LOL i am PMSL at Michael McIntyre he is rate funy!"

"Just chillin wiv a bottle of wine"

"OMG Gerard Butler is so fit!!"

Best iphone app No 6: Betris

If you're anything
like me, you'll have always loved Tetris, but found that while the game was both challenging and addictive it was just not quite...brassy enough. And that's exactly why I have combined good technology with northern sass to create Betris. It's basically Tetris but all the blocks contain images of legendary Coronation Street barmaid Bet Gilroy (nee Lynch) aka Julie Goodyear. The normal Tetris theme is replaced by the Corrie theme tune, interrupted only by an actress pretending to be Julie Goodyear (I couldn't afford the real one) periodically encouraging you with such motivators as "Come on Chuck", "Eee, you're even better than our Alec!", and "By 'eck, your brain must be bigger than that Curly Watts's!"

Coming soon...Best iphone app Nos 5-1

Thursday, 29 April 2010

Vote Cube

I've decided to stand in the upcoming election - I trust it is not too late and that this blog is a administratively sound means of entering the race. Without further ado, here is the manifesto of the Cube Party.


Stricter discipline to be enforced in schools. BY ROBOTS. Class sizes to be smaller - achieved by sending ten children from each class to work in a factory below the school repairing and maintaining robot teachers/support staff.

Off to a flyer: Cube election campaign


(Please do not read next part if you are an enemy of the UK) Get rid of Trident missile system, but (shhh!) pretend to still have Trident missile system. Achieve this by employing Eastern European immigrants, who will spend 6-month stints under water and their shore leave reciting from the following script:

SUBMARINER 1: Oh, I love working on the Trident submarine with the missiles that we have still got

SUBMARINER 2: Yes, I like that too, especially the bit about still having Trident

This system will please would be Tory voters, because it will mean that all the dirty immigrants are kept hidden deep beneath the sea for all but a few weeks a year.
Also, better tanks and body armour to be delivered to our brave troops. BY ROBOTS.

The Elderly

The elderly to be looked after around the clock. BY ROBOTS. Robots will be programmed to turn piss into affordable heating and nod in time to racist comments.


Pretty much sort economy out. Get rid of recession. With ROBOTS if necessary.


Police to spend more time on beat. Also police force to be staffed entirely BY ROBOTS.

I think that is all the main points covered. Critics of the Cube Party manifesto may point towards its heavy reliance on robots, but to those people I say "WTF, can you tell me a problem that can't be solved by robots. No I didn't think so."

I have to run now if I want to make it to the TV debate. I leave you with my party election slogan, the result of thousands of pounds worth of PR:

Don't be a pube - vote Cube.

I know what you're thinking, it sounds nonsensical - that what thought when I first read it. But read it again and ask yourself "Do I want to be a pube?" I think you'll find the answer is "no". Vote Cube on May 6, people.

This was a party election blog brought to you by the Cube Party

Let's see how many people I can trick onto the site...Oh, and reem al numery

Tuesday, 20 April 2010

Election Fever

Okay, so it's been four months since I last posted, but stop hassling me about it, already. For all you know I may have been in a coma for all that time. It turns out I haven't, thanks for asking, but what I have done is bought a Nintendo Wii, and that has been taking up a lot of time that could have spent blogging/washing/going outside/talking to a person. But I don't feel quite so guilty as I would if, say, I'd been playing on a PS3 all that time, because as everyone knows playing on a Wii gets you fit, whereas playing on a PS3 all the time just makes your girlfriend write things on her Facebook profile like "Helen Belmson is a PS3 widow LOLZ". If you even have a girlfriend. Anyway, the proof is in the pudding: here is me having a particularly rigorous session on Wii Tennis. I think I'm doing a forehand in that picture, or maybe a serve. I burnt so many calories in the pictured session that I damn near died, so please, if you have a Wii, remember to take a break every two minutes or so.

Wii Tennis: near-fatal fun

Anyway, I put the Wii-mote down for long enough the other day to make myself a sandwich and, let me tell you, I almost wished I hadn't, for when I opened the loaf, I found that the first few slices looked like this:

Holy bread, er, Batman

Yeah, tell me about it. I was pretty outraged, as you can imagine. I got straight on the phone to my friend, who is a Tory. Unfortunately, at the time, he was busy playing that game where you and a circle of friends wank on a biscuit, and his mum answered, but he called me back a few minutes later. His speech was initially muffled: I think he had lost the biscuit game. Again. Honestly, he fucking loves that game - sometimes he even plays on his own for "practice".

TORY FRIEND: Hey Cube, what's up?
ME: I'm just a bit depressed. I bought some bread and there were holes in many of the slices.
TF: That'll be Gordon Brown. It's just one of the ways he gets money from you.
ME: What, by putting holes in my bread?
TF: Yeah, it's a stealth tax
ME: You are so sage, Tory Friend
TF: So I trust you know what to do on May 6.
ME: What is happening on May 6?
TF: There is a General Election.
ME: Shit, that would explain my health of late. It must be election fever. I thought it was just the shits.
TF: Vote Tory mate. Say no to holes in bread (and fair taxes)

I'm not a man who knows a lot about politics, but my Tory Friend seemed to be talking a lot of sense, so, inspired by a billboard I walked past the next morning - a Tory campaign poster that employed the genius idea of saying nothing at all about the Conservative manifesto but rather pointing out that Gordon Brown (he is the current Prime Minister) has done something wrong (letting anyone out of prison ever) - I came up with my own effort, which you can see here

I have sent copies to Tory HQ, offering my advertising services for 3,000 pounds per day. They haven't got back to me yet. And I called Tory Friend a few days ago to tell him about my poster, but I couldn't hear what he was saying - it sounded, quite inexplicably, like he had an orange in his mouth or something. I tried again yesterday but his mum answered and she just sounded sad. She coudn't bring herself to say why she was so upset, but I assume it was because of something Gordon Brown did. The bugger.