Tuesday, 20 July 2010

The Cube guide to the best iphone apps: Part Two

Best iphone app No 5: What Would I look like Evil?

Obviously, dear Cubefan, you are incredibly lovely. Why right now you're probably baking a cake for foreign orphans. But you must sometimes wonder what you would look like if you were evil. Well wonder no more, for this app, which was devised by a team of the most technical nanoscientists in the world, uses ingenious technology to give you a terrifying view of your hypothetical evil self!

The picture above shows that even the world's loveliest man, Sir DavidJasonBless'im, can be turned evil. Look out Rodders, you plonker!

Best iphone app No 4: Well-paid Jobs

What products would you like Apple to overcharge you for next? That's the question Steve Jobs will be asking you, personally, EVERY WEEK if you install this app. Yep, you could be first to opine on/say how much money you would give Steve Jobs for every one of his next proposals!
And the good news is that those losers without iphones will never find out so you can be the first in line to spend your entire month's wage on that next big product. In case you missed the last two instalments of this app, they were the
ibud ("Like an iphone but smaller! (and doesn't make calls)") and the tri-pod ("Like an ipad but a triangle! (and doesn't make calls)").

Steve Jobs demonstrates the ipad mini:
"It's an ipad, but smaller!"

Best iphone app No 3: I love...my Life

Want to reminisce about things that happened in your life but need C-list celebrities to help you? Then I Love...my Life is the app for you. Simply type in some key events from your life and minutes later a video of showbiz types including Jason Manford, Justin Lee Collins and Howard off the Halifax Ad will take you on a nostalgia trip you'll never forget! You'll laugh till you cry as:

Jason Manford recalls how "(Your name) had his first kiss with (her name) and she tasted of Pickled Onion Monster Munch. Can you remember Pickled Onion Monster Munch?";

Chesney off Coronation Street remembers "(Your name) fell off his bike and gashed his knee. You've never heard crying like it. Then he had some Jaw Breakers, do you remember them? They were well hard."

and Shane Ritchie muses: "(Your name) was 25 when he lost his virginity. What a loser. And then he had a Sherbet Dip-Dab. They were nicer than Sherbet Fountains, with the liquorice.."

GLC: "(Your name) used have a Grifter. What was that all about?"

Best iphone app No 2: Crabble

Like Scrabble, but all the words have to be to do with crabs. And I've copyrighted the name, so if you want to copy my idea you'll have to call your Crabulous or Wordcrab or something.

I did "pincer" on my next go.

Best iphone app No 1: William Roache Voice Changer

Not getting enough respect? Friends always playing tricks on you and you can't think how to get them back? Or just so bored of your own voice that you want to kill yourself? Then you need the William Roache Voice Changer app! Simply hold your iphone to your mouth (the way you would when making a call if you could ever get any reception) and marvel as the words that come out of your mouth pass through a synthesiser and are amplified in the guise of the voice of TV's William Roache!

Just imagine, you're in the library:

YOU: Do you have a book please?
LIBRARY ASSISTANT: Maybe, what's it to you? *chews gum*
YOU (disguising voice as William Roache): Do you have a book now?
LIBRARY ASSISTANT: Yes sir, I have several books and you can have them all. You don't even have to bring them back if you don't want to.
YOU: Heh heh!

Or perhaps you're at your friend Robert's house, and Robert has his back turned to you:

YOU (disguising voice as William Roache): Hey Robert!
ROBERT (spinning round to face you): Hey...wtf...I thought that was William Roache!
YOU: No, it was me all along, using a cool new iphone app!
ROBERT: Well you totally got me! I guess now we're even from last week when I put shit in your cornflakes.
YOU: Heh heh!

Or perhaps you're hiding in a bush near William Roache:

YOU (disguising voice as William Roache): Hey, William Roache, I'm you!
WILLIAM ROACHE: Oh no, I this is pretty fucked up. *Throws himself in fromt of a lorry*
YOU: Heh heh!

The possibilities are probably endless.

Well, readers, that was my top ten. But what would your number one have been? Perhaps you have your own ideas for apps? Leave your ideas in the comments field, why don't you, but do it soon, because I have five science bods still chained in my cellar and only four Pot Noodles left...

Monday, 12 July 2010

The Cube guide to the best iphone apps

I've been away a while, I realise, but that is because I have been learning to be an expert in telephone science. I have acheived an accolade so high in this field it would probably kill you to even think about it, so for you mere mortals here is the fruit of my labours: the ten best apps for iphones (and those Android phones too), which I have spent the last two months programming. They're in reverse order, and you're only getting numbers 10-6 in this post, because I am pretty down with suspense these days.

Best iphone app No 10: Paul the Octopus Eastenders Predictor

That Octopus that predicted the World Cup results turns his hand(s) (legs, whatever) to predicting what will happen in Eastenders. Simply point your iphone at Eastenders and the eight-legged enigma will predict what will happen in that episode. In the example (left), Paul considers it unlikely that Dirty Den will return AGAIN, and instead (correctly) puts all his tentacles on someone getting smacked down.

Best iphone app No 9: Chris Tarrant Egg Timer

Ever get totally bored while timing an egg? I do. Well suffer such
cooking-time ennui no more with the Chris Tarrant egg timer app! Simply put your egg on to boil, and activate the app by touching Chris Tarrant on the face. From thereon in prepare yourself for an emotional rollercoaster ride as Chris Tarrant fills three minutes with suspense of the highest quality, speaking phrases such as:

"If you'd said your egg is ready now....you'd be wrong."

"You want that egg don't you...but I'm not going to give you that now."

"You said your egg is ready now...it's the right answer!"

Best iphone app No 8: Russell Brand Chat-up Lines

Want to get girls but can't because you are ugly? Well fear not, because Russell Brand is here to help you! Simply use your £35-a-month iphone's shitty 2 MP camera to take a photograph of your prey and the Russell Brand seductocomputerTM will use a powerful formula (Archaic polysyllabism to suggest intelligence +
cheeky reference to own genitalia to state intentions in a non-threatening manner + ridiculously fluctuating intonation to suggest comedy) to provide you with a chat-up line that is guaranteed to succeed.
Can't-fail examples include:

"Oooo, verily my winky hath become engorged at the sight of your breasticles, pritheeeeee!"
"Salutations good lady, wouldst though care to gander at my tallwacker?"
"Forsooth, me manhood has become right tumescent. Willst though chance a fondle, ooooooo!"

Best iphone app No 7: Twatter

Got something too banal to keep to yourself? Well you need never hide your trite under a bushel again, thanks to
twatter. Simply type your inane news into the twatter app and within minutes Stephen Fry will definitely be reading it. Here are some of the best twats I've read this month:

"Wonder whether I should take a brolly out - you never now what it's going to do"

"LOL i am PMSL at Michael McIntyre he is rate funy!"

"Just chillin wiv a bottle of wine"

"OMG Gerard Butler is so fit!!"

Best iphone app No 6: Betris

If you're anything
like me, you'll have always loved Tetris, but found that while the game was both challenging and addictive it was just not quite...brassy enough. And that's exactly why I have combined good technology with northern sass to create Betris. It's basically Tetris but all the blocks contain images of legendary Coronation Street barmaid Bet Gilroy (nee Lynch) aka Julie Goodyear. The normal Tetris theme is replaced by the Corrie theme tune, interrupted only by an actress pretending to be Julie Goodyear (I couldn't afford the real one) periodically encouraging you with such motivators as "Come on Chuck", "Eee, you're even better than our Alec!", and "By 'eck, your brain must be bigger than that Curly Watts's!"

Coming soon...Best iphone app Nos 5-1