Thursday, 14 May 2009

Embarrassing Cube

In case you haven't seen it, Embarrassing Bodies is a programme on Channel 4 where people who have an embarrassing body part, too embarrassing, in fact, for them to face the humiliation of showing to their local GP, instead go and show it to muckle-mouthed beefcake Dr Christian Jessen, who has the whole thing filmed for a primetime audience of 14-year-old boys who are hoping that this week's episode will feature a woman whose problem is massive boobs. Usually it is not, though, Usually it is someone with a blemish on his penis, which, it turns out, is just a harmless spot, but he did the right thing coming to have it checked out.

Anyway, at the risk of sounding hypocritical, I went to see Dr Christian with my own problem. Here's what happened.

CUBE: Hello Dr Christian

DR CHRISTIAN: Hello there. What seems to be the problem? Why are you embarrassed by your body?

CUBE: Well, Dr Christian, it is very kind of you to pretend not to notice, but it's my head that I am embarrassed about.

DR CHRISTIAN: And what exactly is the problem with your head?

CUBE: Well, as you can see, it is a perfect cube shape. And a drawing.

Christian Jessen; "Trust me, I'm a Doctor. On telly."

DR CHRISTIAN: Okay, if you just bend forward so I can have a feel of your head. Hmm, yeah, I think I see...

CUBE: Is it bad?

DR CHRISTIAN: No not at all. It's just a case of Drawncubehead Syndrome, which is a lot more common than you would think. Does anyone else in your family have a cube-shaped head?

CUBE: Well, my mother is a normal human woman, but I don't know my father. He left before I was born.

DR CHRISTIAN: Well, this being a hereditary condition, I would guess that your father was probably a drawing of a box. The good news is that this condition is completely harmless. You have absolutely nothing to worry about.

CUBE: But it is embarrassing, Dr Christian. Mean people say things to me like "Hey, cubehead" and "Oi, your head is a perfect cube", and "what have you even got a cube-shaped head for?". It is very hurtful sometimes, although I don’t cry.

DR CHRISTIAN: What you need to do is realise that your condition is something that should be celebrated, and that a lot of the people making those taunts are probably jealous of your head being a cube. And a drawing.

CUBE: Oh, alright. I suppose I'd never thought of it that way. Thank you Dr Christian, that is a huge weight off my mind. I wish I'd come to see you before.

DR CHRISTIAN: Glad to be of help. Would you like me to look at your penis before you go?

CUBE: No thanks: I am alright

DR CHRISTIAN: Would you like to feel my bicep?

CUBE: Goodbye

So I'm glad I went to see Dr Christian. I enjoyed watching his mouth go off in lots of directions as he spoke and his manner was only a bit patronising and mostly soothing/life-affirming. I recommend going to see him if you have got a manky toe or a wonky nipple or something.

Without the self-esteem I regained in my session with Dr Christian, I probably wouldn't have had the courage to write this blog. I've thanked him already. Maybe you should too.

1 comment:

  1. No way am I going to see him. He'll tell me to eat fewer chips.