Thursday, 30 July 2009

Deadly Fist

Steven Seagal is on TV right now. Have you any idea how lethal that guy looks on a 40-inch TV screen? I'll tell you: pretty fucking lethal. The film that's on right now is called "Attack Force", and from what I've seen of it so far you would not want to get in the way of that attack force, or you would probably get twatted quite badly. Anyway, armed with the knowledge of the names of some of Segal's masterpieces ("Out for Justice", "Exit Wounds", "Half Past Dead" and "Urban Justice", to name but a few, I sometimes like to play a game called "Make up names of films that Steven Seagal could be in".
Here are a few:

Justice by Death
Knock Knock, You're Dead
Fists of Justice
Hammer Kick III: Death Foot
Killed to Death
Hey Mom - Dad's a ninja! (New direction - family comedy to be released at Christmas)

Steven Seagal: "I will teach you a lesson...of violence."

Why don't you play my game, dear reader. Go on, post your own Seagal film ideas in the comments field. But, be warned, if you come up with any ideas that are better than mine I will do the hardest karate chop ever in your face.

To motivate the hell out of you to play my game, here is the man himself being a badass but also totally profound. We can all learn from this beautiful spiritual ninja.

Monday, 27 July 2009

Two-pics Cube

What up blogfans. Regular visitors to The Cube will notice I've been pretty quiet of late. Long story short: I went up on the Fourth Plinth in Trafalgar Square to do an hour of pretty much being cool, but while I was at it some Cockney tinker made off with the ladder, so I was stuck up there for a month waiting for a new plinth ladder to be delivered (they have to ship them in from America; I don't even know why). While I was up there without food or water, I started to realise what it must be like to be David Blaine, ie fucking shit, so I won't be doing that again.
Anyway, I'm back now and, what's more, I've brought you some more poetry about dogs. The last time I laid some canine rhyme on you the reaction was pretty incredible. I'm not kidding: I had TWO comments! My computer almost melted under the strain and I had to call someone from PC World to advise ("Stop chucking water on your PC, Mr Cube. Switch it off and don't switch it back on until it's dried out.").

So here you are: two more poems, and two more images lifted from google images which will lead hundreds of people unwittingly to this page when really all they wanted was a picture of a Labrador with which to make their nan a birthday card. Enjoy.

Vision of the Future
With progression in eye surgery
And the blind no more
What further use, the poor Labrador?

Labrador: No toilet roll. No blind guy. Lazy.

Glittering Prize

Cocker spaniel

Thought he was handsome

thought he was tough

just cos he won a medal at Crufts

Cocky Spaniel

Cocker Spaniel: miserable.

Hope you enjoyed the latest doggy verse. Again, feel free to send in your own poems. I will probably buy a filet-o-fish for the writer of the best one, unless I find out you have copied it out of a book. You cheater.

Sunday, 26 July 2009

No need for a Sou'wester in Chester

If you've been affected by any of the issues in this week's show, please call 0898 111 222. In next week's Brollyoaks, Racist gay incest domestic-violence vicar Simon burns down the nightclub (again) and there are stirrings at the Dog and Duck when new character Transsexual Tony, who has Tourrettes, gets in a fight with Gary, the wheelchair-bound neo-nazi. Who's also deaf. It's a late-night "Brollyoaks: after dark" special, so you should Sky-Plus it because one of the girls might show their boobs, or Tony might say "fuck".