Thursday, 3 September 2015

How to be cool

The other week, I was out on my balcony getting battered on Lidl vodka and smoking cigars, when it dawned on me how cool I am. There are those among you who will say "Cube, I have no balcony, how can I ever be as cool as you?" And to those people I would say "You cannot, but if it's any consolation, it's nothing to do with your lack of balcony." But although those people will never be as cool as me, they can certainly be cooler than their normal selves, and so, with great benevolence, I present the Cube's top ten cool behaviours.

10: Waitrose Indifference

For this one you will need a slightly wanky friend who thinks that Waitrose peas are better than Tesco Value ones. And you will need to go to Waitrose with them.

WANKY FRIEND: Oooh look, they have camomile-flavoured Mullerice! And lobster and tarragon kettle chips!
YOU: I am truly nonplussed [stares at tinned peas]

9. Pretending not to Know a Hot Girl's Name

Self-explanatory, this one:

ME (in a supermarket): Oh I'm sorry, I don't recall your name.
HOT GIRL: What? You just came up to me.
ME: Is it Alice...or Marjorie? I'm sorry, my memory is terrible these days.
HOT GIRL: Wtf I have never met you before.
ME: It'll come to me.
HOT GIRL: Freak. [walks off]
ME: [stares at tinned peas]

8. Playing guitar with a really loose strap

You don't even have to know how to play that shit.

Wileding my axe like man who don't pay tax. Also playing A minor.

7: Not waiting for 1p change

Anyone who has ever bought something for 99 pence and paid with a pound will have been faced with the twofold dilemma:
- if you wait for your change you will look like a poor person who needs 1p in their life. Especially if the person behind the counter takes a disproportionately long time to come up with that 1p.
- if you say "keep the change" you will look like a poor person pretending to be an extravagant tipper.

Both these situations threaten to leave you looking very uncool, so here's what you should do:
1) Put your reduced salt and vinegar Pringles (or whatever) on the counter. Hand over your pound.
2) Immediately (but not too immediately) say "goodbye", in such a way as to say "Don't even think of offering me my change."
3) Leave shop hastily (don't run).

I do this all the time.

ME: Goodbye *walks towards exit without collecting 1p change*
SHOPKEEP: Sir, you have forgotten your shopping.
ME: I do not want it. *goes to any other shop to buy same goods*

6. Rejecting a threesome

Two Sexy People are round your flat. The Sexy People beg you to join them in bed. You say no, you are watching Les Dennis-era Family Fortunes repeats on Challenge TV. You watch Family Fortunes, steadfastly refusing to laugh when Les says "If it's up there I'll give you the money myself". Sexy People again beg you to join them in the bedroom. You reply by making the wrong-answer noise from Family Fortunes, smile to yourself, and open some salt and vinegar Pringles.

Seriously I will give you the money - I am Les Dennis and 37 quid is pretty muck fuck all to me

5. Gay introduction non-sequiturs

Homophobia is not cool, and you can quote me on that. But it is also not cool to be TOO accepting of a gay person the first time they announce their homosexuality to you. Straight up, if some dude told you he was Mad Keen on playing with meccano and you were all like "I am totally okay about the fact that you play with meccano, you won't hear any judgement from me" that dude would be like "Wtf brah I don't seek your approval to play with meccano I am gonna do that shit anyway. Look I've made a sweet crane".  That last sentence was analogous as fuck; read an encyclopedia (eg Britannica) if you didn't understand it. Anyway, here's what I do when someone tells me they are gay:

GAY GIRL: No, I don't have a boyfriend.
ME: Oh really? That's interesting..
GAY GIRL: Actually, I have a girlfriend, so...
ME: The lottery fund is considerably smaller these days than it used to be. It used to be a 9 million prize every week and now you're lucky to get that on a rollover week.
ME: Do you want a Pringle

4. Disliking popular bands

ME: So I caught a little three-piece at the Cockpit the other week called Terry's Electric Wankpit. Great musicianship. They were tight. You should look out for them.
FRIEND: Oh yeah, I think they were on Jools Holland last night. They're playing Wembley Arena in August, apparently.
ME: They're dogshit; I wouldn't be seen dead liking them.

3. Finding reasons to say YOLO

[Takes a can of pop off the shelf at Morrisons. Opens ringpull, Lilt goes fucking everywhere, on an old lady and in a pram and shit]

SHOP ASSISTANT: What the? Why did you even?
[Onlookers all crack a knowing smile as they realise yes, Y really do OLO

Other YOLO actions:

-Bath of beans. Except PEAS
-Get book out of library. Sell book on eBay
-Buy a snowboard IN AUGUST. Throw that shit out of a window like it didn't cost 205 dollars

2. Killing a bad guy and then quipping at him

If you're anything like me (you wish lolz) you probably have bad guys up in your grill pretty much 24 hours a month; well I got sick of that shit so I fully started "making them go away" if you know what I mean (killing them). Murder is pretty morbid/bleak, however, unless you throw some levity at that crime ie by doing a Wordplay about it.

[Bad guy has me with back to a fruit an veg stall and his gun in my face. Just as he's about to pull the trigger I pull a really big tomato (eg beef) from the stand and throw it into his eye socket, piercing his brain]

ME: I guess I won't be seeing you to-ma-to (tomorrow)
BAD GUY: That's really bad. Surely "What's tomato (the matter) with you, are you dead?" would have been bet-[dies]
ME: Ketchup

1. Being me

Obviously you can't all be me - the world isn't ready for that kind of dopeness. Also that shit raises some pretty deep philosophical questions of Who Am I am I Even Me that will fully explode your bean. But you can at least pretend to be me my printing out the mask below. For extra realism you might want to stick it on the front of a cardboard box and put that shit on your head - the world has gone mad for 3D since that fucking Avatar.

Laters, Cubefans, and remember, Stay Cool

Warning, may attract sexual advances that you don't know how to deal with

Monday, 31 August 2015

Ain't No Party Like a Nice Cube Party

Okay, I haven't been around for a while. Long story short, I was watching MTV and the music video of Eddie Murphy's "Party All the Time" came on and I took that shit a little too literally. And just as I was coming to the end of what had been a year-long rave that Prince song came on and ever since then I have been partying like it's £19.99. I don't know if you've ever tried partying on that budget, but it's pretty brutal/a helluvan experience, let me tell you. I had to drink a lot of things from Aldi.

But that hiatus has not been in vain/a waste of your fucking time, for in the months I have been away I have learnt that not all parties are good parties. Sometimes you're at a party and someone called Graham is telling you about his job and his job is nothing to do with lego so why should you care and you just want things to be a lot better. If you find yourself at such a party here are some games that you can play.

Guess Zoo

ME: Do you have pandas?
ME: Okay *flips down Chester Zoo*
BIG PHIL: Do you have more than a million visitors a year?
ME: Tbh I don't have the requisite zoo knowledge to play this game

This game is a lot of fun. My only advice is that you keep eye out for cheap imitations like the one shown below.
Fraud: Stephen is clearly not even a zoo

I made the mistake of buying this. It was only £1.99 from Lidl but what a False Economy that turned out to be. Imagine my charred grin annoyance when I opened the box and found out that shit had nothing to do with zoos. A legal battle ensued, I won't bore you with the details.

Don't Talk About Back to the Future

Everyone sits in a circle making general conversation and having a nice drink (wine/beer/small Malibu etc). The only rule is that you're not allowed to talk about Back to the Future. "That is easy" I hear you say but you truly have no idea.

SOPHIE: I think it's ridiculous to suggest that Corbyn is unelectable
MARTIN: Oh come on, he wants to leave NATO; I mean seriously
TONY: Would that really be the end of the world? I mean-
GERALD: Can you remember that bit in Back to the Future when he goes back in time and meets his mum?
EVERYONE: Geraaaaaaaaald!
*Gerald drinks three fingers*

Purists argue that you are not even allowed to talk about Back to the Future II or Back to the Future III. Personally, I have no strong feelings either way, but I advise that you agree on the rules BEFORE the game. One time I didn't and now I haven't spoken to my sister for 17 years

Music Hall Chairs

Guest take it in turns to perform vaudeville-style variety. ON A CHAIR.

SARAH [on a chair, dancing about gaily and singing]: #Any old iron, any old iron, any any any old iron!#
EVERYONE: Top show, Sarah! What a gal!
STEVE: Okay, my turn now [gets on chair]
EVERYONE: Oh Steve, you have blacked up again. We have already told you our feelings about this.

FFS Steve why must you always do this

Why Are You Doing That, David

When David is out of the room eg using the toilet everyone agrees that at some point in the party they will say to him "Why Are You Doing That David"

[David returns from the toilet. He pours a drink]
CLAIRE: Why are you doing that David
David: Why am I doing what? Pouring a dr-
[Claire has already walked off]

[David plays a song on the guitar for his girlfriend, who he is secretly about to propose to]
DAN THE MAN: Why are you doing that David.
[David's girlfriend leaves what has become a pretty awkward situation. David drops his guitar]

[David is crying in a corner]
ROBBIE: Why are you doing that David
DAVID: My girlfriend has left me. She said was embarrassed to be with me at parties.
ROBBIE: Why are you doing that David.

Party Till You Literally Puke

Party host plays their cassette single of Andrew WK's "Party Till You Puke". As the music plays everybody parties with increasing vigour until one by one they vomit on the carpet. If you don't vomit by the end of the song, you are the loser and are ostracised by the rest of the group.

GARY: Please talk to me; I was partying REALLY hard but I already vomited earlier at home and I had nothing left.
GARY: Okay, you're right, I deserve this

Andrew WK: Party till you're holding a cat.

Seven Minutes in Heaven 17

A boy and a girl are locked inside a papier mache closet made in the image of 1980s new wave synthpop group Heaven 17 for seven minutes, during which time they are encouraged to "have sexy times/make out"

[Kate and Richard are inside Heaven 17]

RICHARD: Ummm, shall we y'know...
KATE: Hmmm
RICHARD: Oh, don't you want to? I mean, we don't have to...
KATE: I would, Rich, it's just that I'm finding it hard to think about anything other than Heaven 17 at the moment
RICHARD: I know what you mean, they were a great band. Being locked inside a giant papier mache Them really reminds you of that. How ironic that just a minute ago I was going to touch your boob and now all I can think about is their 1983 Top Ten hit Temptation
KATE: Lol what a pair we are

Your Heaven 17 papier mache cupboard may look different to the one pictured

Wink Minor Crime

Everyone sits in a circle. One person is secretly assigned the role of "minor criminal", whereupon they must "commit minor crimes" against the other members of the group by winking at them without the other members of the group seeing.

[Everyone moves their eyes around the other people in the circle. Spying an opportunity, Gerald winks at Sam]
SAM: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! I've become a victim of insurance fraud!
[Gerald stifles a grin; genuine unease sets in among the group]

So that's a few of my favourite party games, Cubefans. Perhaps you can come up with some better ones, but I doubt it. Until next time, party hard/responsibly.