Unlimited Twats

There's some dogshit advert on TV at the moment for O2 or Vodafone or something where they ask people in the street what they would do if they had unlimited free text messages FOREVER and then the people in the street compete to say the shittest thing they can think of. One of them says he'd start a revolution, another says he'd organise a massive pillow fight, and one says he'd text everyone he knows who plays an instrument and start a superband. If he had FREE TEXTS FOR LIFE. Here is a video of the man in question. He wants to start an "uber-orchestra". If you don't hate him already watch the video.

Just how many
text messages does he need to text everyone he knows who plays an instrument? My guess: about seventeen. How many of those people will want to start an unber-orchestra with him? Probably about four. So he'll probably end up in a room with four gimps: one with a recorder, one with a guitar, one with a tambourine and one with a bigger recorder, and they'll start playing and they'll realise that they can't find a tune that they all know and they'll realise that their instruments sound shit together and then they'll probably all say to him "This is shit, we hate you." That's what that guy would do with unlimited texts. Dick.

However, if
I had unlimited texts for life, these would be my top things to do:

1) Text all the ninjas in the world pretty much five times a day, every day, to ask for ninja tips
eg best kicks to do.

Ninja: "Head kicks are best, probly"

2) Text everyone in China and tell them America had called them gay and then see if that thing worked where they all jump off a chair and make a tidal wave.
3) Text everyone in America and say "Sorry, but pretty sweet wave, eh?"
4) Text everyone in the world with a beard an ask then what their favourite thing about having a beard was, to test my theory that the top answer would be "warmth/manliness". Complete work on my book: "Beards and Things to do with Beards"
5) Text a picture of my face to everyone in the world and say "do you like my face?" then all the people who said yes I would ask to see their face and if they were really pretty I might go out with them.

That is what I would do. What would you do though readers? I would dearly like to know. Perhaps if I get enough good replies we can make a rival advert. Just don't say you would form an uber-orchestra, though, or I will use my newly acquired tips to ninja the shit out of you.


  1. Ha ha I've just seen this advert. It was a bit rubbish, they guy's got a My Space page, maybe you can inform him of your displeasure there?

  2. Come over to mine to see a cake in the shape of Tom Selleck... you know you want to!


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