Thursday, 3 September 2015

How to be cool

The other week, I was out on my balcony getting battered on Lidl vodka and smoking cigars, when it dawned on me how cool I am. There are those among you who will say "Cube, I have no balcony, how can I ever be as cool as you?" And to those people I would say "You cannot, but if it's any consolation, it's nothing to do with your lack of balcony." But although those people will never be as cool as me, they can certainly be cooler than their normal selves, and so, with great benevolence, I present the Cube's top ten cool behaviours.

10: Waitrose Indifference

For this one you will need a slightly wanky friend who thinks that Waitrose peas are better than Tesco Value ones. And you will need to go to Waitrose with them.

WANKY FRIEND: Oooh look, they have camomile-flavoured Mullerice! And lobster and tarragon kettle chips!
YOU: I am truly nonplussed [stares at tinned peas]

9. Pretending not to Know a Hot Girl's Name

Self-explanatory, this one:

ME (in a supermarket): Oh I'm sorry, I don't recall your name.
HOT GIRL: What? You just came up to me.
ME: Is it Alice...or Marjorie? I'm sorry, my memory is terrible these days.
HOT GIRL: Wtf I have never met you before.
ME: It'll come to me.
HOT GIRL: Freak. [walks off]
ME: [stares at tinned peas]

8. Playing guitar with a really loose strap

You don't even have to know how to play that shit.

Wileding my axe like man who don't pay tax. Also playing A minor.

7: Not waiting for 1p change

Anyone who has ever bought something for 99 pence and paid with a pound will have been faced with the twofold dilemma:
- if you wait for your change you will look like a poor person who needs 1p in their life. Especially if the person behind the counter takes a disproportionately long time to come up with that 1p.
- if you say "keep the change" you will look like a poor person pretending to be an extravagant tipper.

Both these situations threaten to leave you looking very uncool, so here's what you should do:
1) Put your reduced salt and vinegar Pringles (or whatever) on the counter. Hand over your pound.
2) Immediately (but not too immediately) say "goodbye", in such a way as to say "Don't even think of offering me my change."
3) Leave shop hastily (don't run).

I do this all the time.

ME: Goodbye *walks towards exit without collecting 1p change*
SHOPKEEP: Sir, you have forgotten your shopping.
ME: I do not want it. *goes to any other shop to buy same goods*

6. Rejecting a threesome

Two Sexy People are round your flat. The Sexy People beg you to join them in bed. You say no, you are watching Les Dennis-era Family Fortunes repeats on Challenge TV. You watch Family Fortunes, steadfastly refusing to laugh when Les says "If it's up there I'll give you the money myself". Sexy People again beg you to join them in the bedroom. You reply by making the wrong-answer noise from Family Fortunes, smile to yourself, and open some salt and vinegar Pringles.

Seriously I will give you the money - I am Les Dennis and 37 quid is pretty muck fuck all to me

5. Gay introduction non-sequiturs

Homophobia is not cool, and you can quote me on that. But it is also not cool to be TOO accepting of a gay person the first time they announce their homosexuality to you. Straight up, if some dude told you he was Mad Keen on playing with meccano and you were all like "I am totally okay about the fact that you play with meccano, you won't hear any judgement from me" that dude would be like "Wtf brah I don't seek your approval to play with meccano I am gonna do that shit anyway. Look I've made a sweet crane".  That last sentence was analogous as fuck; read an encyclopedia (eg Britannica) if you didn't understand it. Anyway, here's what I do when someone tells me they are gay:

GAY GIRL: No, I don't have a boyfriend.
ME: Oh really? That's interesting..
GAY GIRL: Actually, I have a girlfriend, so...
ME: The lottery fund is considerably smaller these days than it used to be. It used to be a 9 million prize every week and now you're lucky to get that on a rollover week.
ME: Do you want a Pringle

4. Disliking popular bands

ME: So I caught a little three-piece at the Cockpit the other week called Terry's Electric Wankpit. Great musicianship. They were tight. You should look out for them.
FRIEND: Oh yeah, I think they were on Jools Holland last night. They're playing Wembley Arena in August, apparently.
ME: They're dogshit; I wouldn't be seen dead liking them.

3. Finding reasons to say YOLO

[Takes a can of pop off the shelf at Morrisons. Opens ringpull, Lilt goes fucking everywhere, on an old lady and in a pram and shit]

SHOP ASSISTANT: What the? Why did you even?
[Onlookers all crack a knowing smile as they realise yes, Y really do OLO

Other YOLO actions:

-Bath of beans. Except PEAS
-Get book out of library. Sell book on eBay
-Buy a snowboard IN AUGUST. Throw that shit out of a window like it didn't cost 205 dollars

2. Killing a bad guy and then quipping at him

If you're anything like me (you wish lolz) you probably have bad guys up in your grill pretty much 24 hours a month; well I got sick of that shit so I fully started "making them go away" if you know what I mean (killing them). Murder is pretty morbid/bleak, however, unless you throw some levity at that crime ie by doing a Wordplay about it.

[Bad guy has me with back to a fruit an veg stall and his gun in my face. Just as he's about to pull the trigger I pull a really big tomato (eg beef) from the stand and throw it into his eye socket, piercing his brain]

ME: I guess I won't be seeing you to-ma-to (tomorrow)
BAD GUY: That's really bad. Surely "What's tomato (the matter) with you, are you dead?" would have been bet-[dies]
ME: Ketchup

1. Being me

Obviously you can't all be me - the world isn't ready for that kind of dopeness. Also that shit raises some pretty deep philosophical questions of Who Am I am I Even Me that will fully explode your bean. But you can at least pretend to be me my printing out the mask below. For extra realism you might want to stick it on the front of a cardboard box and put that shit on your head - the world has gone mad for 3D since that fucking Avatar.

Laters, Cubefans, and remember, Stay Cool

Warning, may attract sexual advances that you don't know how to deal with

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