Dyer here

Is there anything Danny Dyer can't do? Whether it's playing a cockney geezer or presenting a programme about violent knobheads, he can do it both all. The great shame, then, is just how underused this talent behemoth is, which is why I have set myself up as a talent agent and made it my week's work to pitch the following ideas to every UK TV station I could get to on the bus.
'Ave it

Britain's worst allergens
In this Channel 5 documentary, Danny Dyer travels the length and breadth of the country where, each week, he meets a different allergen and stresses how dangerous it is (all allergens interviewed are reformed characters and exempt from prosecution).

"Today I'm facking brickin' it, cos I'm meeting pollen, the scourge of geezers wiv 'ay fever all over the world. This is an allergen so fackin hard it 'as grown men crying like facking muppets. And sneezing like cants".

Kitten: "Ticking facking time bomb"

Danny Dyer's Poetry Forum

Each week Danny welcomes a different celebrity guest to talk about poetry.

CHRISTOPHER BIGGINS: ...in which he of course declares that "all that glisters is not gold."
DANNY DYER: The geezer ain't wrong. The avver week I buys a blu-ray player from some bloke dahn the pub, an' when I get it home he's only mugged me off with a facking DVD player! Cant! That's all for this week. Join me next week when Lenny Henry will be givin' it the big 'un abaht Keats.

Danny Dyer's Amazing Wildlife
WILDLIFE EXPERT: Though its name suggests it has a hundred feet, some centipedes actually have over three hundred.
DANNY DYER: Fack me! That is smashing my swede, mate

"Same number of bones in their necks as humans? You're having a facking giraffe!"
Zero or One with Danny Dyer
Gameshow. A member of the public is chosen from the audience to guess whether a random binary generating computer called CANT (Cockney-Accented Number Thing) will select a one of a zero. If the contestant gets it right fifteen times in a row they win 250,000 pounds. If the contestant gets stuck they have three lifelines: Clue; Ask a Celebrity; and Kick the fack out of CANT.

DANNY DYER: Orwight darlin', you are proper cruisin' it. You're on a farsand pahnds so far and you ain't used any of yer lifelines. But this is where it gets serious: if you get this next one right you go to two farsand, but if you get it wrong yer lose everyfing. Do you want to play?

CONTESTANT: I do, Danny. I think I'd like to use my Clue lifeline.

DANNY DYER: Okay darlin', here's yer clue: last time it wuz a zero, what are the facking chahnces o' that 'appening again, that what you gotta ask yerself.

CONTESTANT: Hmm, that's true, it will probably be a one this time. But it could be a zero...I just don't know...I think I'm going to have to ask a celebrity.

DANNY DYER: Okay darlin, let's bring on our celebrity. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome Will Young!

*audience applauds*

DANNY DYER: Nar Will, when you wuz on Pop Idol, did you ever have any tough decisions to make?

WILL YOUNG: Not really. The songs I sang were generally chosen for me.

DANNY: Facking mint. So Will, what do you reckon, zero or one?

WILL YOUNG: Well my heart tells me zero but my head says one. I'm leaning towards zero.

CONTESTANT: What percentage sure are you?

WILL YOUNG: Only about 51 per cent I'm afraid.

DANNY DYER: That is statisitically more than 5o per cent, but not by much. The question is do you wanna risk it?

CONTESTANT: Gosh, this is so much easier when you play at home. I'm gonna risk it...I'm gonna say zero.

DANNY DYER: You're sayin' zero...we'll find aht if she's right after some facking adverts.

The Canal (feature film)
Danny Dyer plays The Boy, a mute found wandering the banks of Dublin's Grand Canal by a beautiful girl called Rose (played, in her acting debut, by Stacey Solomon), who lives on a barge. Rose sees the hidden depths behind The Boy's eyes that nobody else can see, and she falls in love with him. Together they defy the odds (people saying "Don't get off with him, he's a mute" etc) and through their love (spoiler alert) The Boy finds the voice he never knew he had.
Scene 6: The Boy and Rose are sat on the bank of the canal. She is holding a buttercup or something.

ROSE: I want for nothing when I am with you, don't you see? Many a girl dreams of riches, huge houses with pianos in every room and butlers at their beck and call; but I crave not these things. All that I need is in that barge, and sat here beside me on the bank. That's all I ever want:
you are all I will ever want. And though you may never utter a word of confirmation, I know deep down that you want the same.[Danny Dyer stares blankly]
ROSE: And I know, when I look at you, that though you cannot tell me your surname, that you would have me share that name.
[Danny Dyer looks confused/worried]
ROSE: You needn't even say a word: I will marry you, I will!
[DANNY DYER]: What you
fackin' chattin abaht, lav? I'm facking off

Who knows what Danny Dyer will do next. If you have any suggestions why not leave them in the comments field. Probably nothing will top his appearance on Who Do You think You Are though. 


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