I'm Cube, yes I'm the real Cube, all you other Cubes are just imitating

I’ve come up with an idea for an ITV Sunday-evening gameshow to be hosted by none other than me. It will be called THE PHILLIP SCHOFIELD

The Basic Premise

The host (me) invites a member of the public to get inside a massive perspex container shaped like Phillip Schofield’s anus. Once inside, they have to perform various fairground-style feats of skill in slow motion while suspenseful music plays. Each contestant gets some lives or something and if they win they get some money, probably. Here are some of the rounds.


The contestant has to guess whether a banana is under a bucket.

ME: What are you like at guessing whether or not there is a banana under a bucket?

GUEST: It is not my forte


The contestant has to poke a dead badger with a stick, without the stick touching the floor or anything. If it does and alarm sounds and everyone in the audience's emotions are affected in a bad way.

CONTESTANT: It looks easy. Poking a dead badger, when you watch at home, but now that I am inside The Philip Schofield it’s a lot lot harder.

HOST: Ten pounds if you poke the badger.


A pot of emulsion is hidden behind a small curtain. Said curtain is then removed for just half a second, during which time the contestant has to look at it really quickly. Then they have to guess how much emulsion is in the pot.

ME: You have three lives left. You stand to win twenty pounds, but you could lose the ten pounds you already have.

CONTESTANT: I’m torn on whether to go for it or not. On the one hand, half a second isn’t a long time, but on the other hand I do like paint.

ME: Take your time

There are other rounds but I feel it best to withhold these while contract negotiations with ITV are ongoing. If I divulged ALL my ideas here then that bastard channel would just straight-up steal them and get Andi Peters to host the show and I'd never see a penny. They're always doing shit like that. Stop messing with my shit, ITV: you have been warned.


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