Election Fever

Okay, so it's been four months since I last posted, but stop hassling me about it, already. For all you know I may have been in a coma for all that time. It turns out I haven't, thanks for asking, but what I have done is bought a Nintendo Wii, and that has been taking up a lot of time that could have spent blogging/washing/going outside/talking to a person. But I don't feel quite so guilty as I would if, say, I'd been playing on a PS3 all that time, because as everyone knows playing on a Wii gets you fit, whereas playing on a PS3 all the time just makes your girlfriend write things on her Facebook profile like "Helen Belmson is a PS3 widow LOLZ". If you even have a girlfriend. Anyway, the proof is in the pudding: here is me having a particularly rigorous session on Wii Tennis. I think I'm doing a forehand in that picture, or maybe a serve. I burnt so many calories in the pictured session that I damn near died, so please, if you have a Wii, remember to take a break every two minutes or so.

Wii Tennis: near-fatal fun

Anyway, I put the Wii-mote down for long enough the other day to make myself a sandwich and, let me tell you, I almost wished I hadn't, for when I opened the loaf, I found that the first few slices looked like this:

Holy bread, er, Batman

Yeah, tell me about it. I was pretty outraged, as you can imagine. I got straight on the phone to my friend, who is a Tory. Unfortunately, at the time, he was busy playing that game where you and a circle of friends wank on a biscuit, and his mum answered, but he called me back a few minutes later. His speech was initially muffled: I think he had lost the biscuit game. Again. Honestly, he fucking loves that game - sometimes he even plays on his own for "practice".

TORY FRIEND: Hey Cube, what's up?
ME: I'm just a bit depressed. I bought some bread and there were holes in many of the slices.
TF: That'll be Gordon Brown. It's just one of the ways he gets money from you.
ME: What, by putting holes in my bread?
TF: Yeah, it's a stealth tax
ME: You are so sage, Tory Friend
TF: So I trust you know what to do on May 6.
ME: What is happening on May 6?
TF: There is a General Election.
ME: Shit, that would explain my health of late. It must be election fever. I thought it was just the shits.
TF: Vote Tory mate. Say no to holes in bread (and fair taxes)

I'm not a man who knows a lot about politics, but my Tory Friend seemed to be talking a lot of sense, so, inspired by a billboard I walked past the next morning - a Tory campaign poster that employed the genius idea of saying nothing at all about the Conservative manifesto but rather pointing out that Gordon Brown (he is the current Prime Minister) has done something wrong (letting anyone out of prison ever) - I came up with my own effort, which you can see here

I have sent copies to Tory HQ, offering my advertising services for 3,000 pounds per day. They haven't got back to me yet. And I called Tory Friend a few days ago to tell him about my poster, but I couldn't hear what he was saying - it sounded, quite inexplicably, like he had an orange in his mouth or something. I tried again yesterday but his mum answered and she just sounded sad. She coudn't bring herself to say why she was so upset, but I assume it was because of something Gordon Brown did. The bugger.


  1. You've got to be careful of holes in bread. It's through them that the illegal immigrants get in.


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