How to Eurovision
Well it that time of year again that none of us have been waiting for: EUROVISION. You're watching it, obviously, but are you watching it right? Here's some things to do to make sure your Eurovision experience is not dogshit.
#Then you will find that the time is right/for SEXUAL HARASSMENT#
FRIENDS
Watching Eurovision with friends is a guaranteed night of drunken ironic fun. Watching Eurovision alone is the worst thing a human person can doincluding murder.
BOOZE
Buy lots. Drink it all. Splash out on that Albanian lager drink you've always fancied but never really had an excuse to buy. Play Eurovision related drinking games to liven things up, eg:
-Goat herder does a rap: drink two fingers
-Ambiguously-gendered robot sings satirical lyric about Brexit: sip of wine
-Man in lederhosen become self aware, weeps openly: down pint
- Host does a joke so funny that co-host shits: vodka in eye socket
A powerful message of acceptance. From your mum.
FOOD
Buy a selection of European foods eg German Salami, French stick, Moldovan chewits. Eat that shit when the corresponding country is on or "go freestyle" and eat a Slovenian pickle right in the middle of Ireland's song like it ain't even a thing.
MAKE SCORECARDS
Make up your own categories and gives marks out of ten or whatever for eg:
-Faces (sexy?)
-Hats (goodness)
-Likelihood your gran would say something racist about them
HAVE A SNARK-OFF
Mute the commentary by Graham Norton and make up your own witty comments, such as:
"I wish they'd mulled over (Moldova) their decision to enter this contest!"
"He thinks he's not a terrible singer, bit he Israeli (is really)
"I would climb a pole to escape this song (by Poland)"
"He/she thinks he's good but he/she's shit!" (universal snark)
ROBOCOP
Have a copy of Robocop on VHS/DVD/Blu-ray in case you get bored. Watch the special features eg Making of Robocop and What Happened to Paul Weller after Robocop.
Right, I'm off to buy some Macedonian twiglets (actual twigs problyis this racist). Let me know how your Eurovision party went, Cubefans!
#Well I wish it could be Christmas every day#
#Then you will find that the time is right/for SEXUAL HARASSMENT#
FRIENDS
Watching Eurovision with friends is a guaranteed night of drunken ironic fun. Watching Eurovision alone is the worst thing a human person can do
BOOZE
Buy lots. Drink it all. Splash out on that Albanian lager drink you've always fancied but never really had an excuse to buy. Play Eurovision related drinking games to liven things up, eg:
-Goat herder does a rap: drink two fingers
-Ambiguously-gendered robot sings satirical lyric about Brexit: sip of wine
-Man in lederhosen become self aware, weeps openly: down pint
- Host does a joke so funny that co-host shits: vodka in eye socket
A powerful message of acceptance. From your mum.
FOOD
Buy a selection of European foods eg German Salami, French stick, Moldovan chewits. Eat that shit when the corresponding country is on or "go freestyle" and eat a Slovenian pickle right in the middle of Ireland's song like it ain't even a thing.
MAKE SCORECARDS
Make up your own categories and gives marks out of ten or whatever for eg:
-Faces (sexy?)
-Hats (goodness)
-Likelihood your gran would say something racist about them
HAVE A SNARK-OFF
Mute the commentary by Graham Norton and make up your own witty comments, such as:
"I wish they'd mulled over (Moldova) their decision to enter this contest!"
"He thinks he's not a terrible singer, bit he Israeli (is really)
"I would climb a pole to escape this song (by Poland)"
"He/she thinks he's good but he/she's shit!" (universal snark)
ROBOCOP
Have a copy of Robocop on VHS/DVD/Blu-ray in case you get bored. Watch the special features eg Making of Robocop and What Happened to Paul Weller after Robocop.
Right, I'm off to buy some Macedonian twiglets (actual twigs probly
#Well I wish it could be Christmas every day#
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