19 Must-Know Facts About the Royal Wedding

On Saturday May 19th, the civilised world will stop what it is doing to collectively Give a Shit about the Royal Wedding. Whether you plan to gather round the television and eat a big bag of Doritos  with your loved ones or venture into the street, your naked torso painted as a Union Jack, swigging Pimms from the bottle, here are 25 facts that you absolutely NEED TO KNOW before you even think about trying to celebrate the magical occasion.




                                      In sync: the happy couple

1. At 36 years of age, bride to be Meghan will be the oldest person ever to get married. Other 36-year olds include Star Trek actress Natalie Portmans, Tenniser Roger Federererer and 'Hit me Again' songstress Britney Spears.

2. As well as being a woman, Meggan is also an actor in the TV series "Suit". It is understood that hubby-to-be Prince Harry will wear a suit at the wedding in a cheeky nod to Megan's role!

3. Harry asked the Queen for permission to propose to Megane. The Queen is believed to have said "Okay, but if your grandad asks about her face, just tell him she's been on a sunbed".

4. Megum's ring was designed by Prince Harry himself. The Cube has been given exclusive access to the original designs (see below)

5. The dress code on the royal invitations is particularly stringent, with ripped jeans an absolutley no-no. Also prohibited are cargo pants, medallions, and nazi uniforms. Guests are instead urged to wear "posh stuff".

6. The bride's wedding ring is made by the Official Royal jeweller Elizabeth Duke, selected for having the most royal-sounding name.

7. The wedding cermemony will take place at Windsor Castle's St George's Chapel, after which guests will be helicoptered to Romford dog track. A keen fan of greyhound racing, Prince Philip has advised Megum to bet on "the dog that shits right before the race" because he reckons it will be lighter and therefore faster.

9. Royal baby Prince Louis will not be at the wedding. The infant, 0, apparently "can't be arsed"

10. Father of the bride Thomas Markhan is said to have breathed a huge sigh of relief when he was relieved of any financial burden when the Royal Family generously offered to pay for the whole wedding with taxpayer money 

11. Meggin will be only the second American ever to marry into the Royal Family. The first was Black Eyed Peas songstress Fergie, who married Prince Andrew in 1986. She later brought shame on the Royal Family by pissing herself a bit on stage, at which point divorce was the only option.


12. Before being allowed to take Harry's hand in holy mahogany, Megan had to meet with the Queen and assure her majesty that her "Suit" co-star Patrick J Adams didn't "put it in" when they filmed their sex scenes.

13. The wedding will be shown on all UK terrestrial TV channels except Channel 5, which will instead broadcast "Bodyshock: My 50-stone Anus". And Big Brother.

14. 80s mega-hit "Agadoo" by Wakefield rockers Black Lace is hotly tipped to be the song the couple have their first dance to. Either that of that Lionel Richie one about the woman who makes a clay head of Lionel Richie.



                                                  Push pineapple (reason unknown)

15. Meghan's mum Dora is a secret fan of 1980s British comedy duo Cannon and Ball and can often be heard quoting Bobby Ball's "Its a rock, Tommy" catchphrase!

16. It's though that what's-his-appeal singer Ed Sheeran will take the stage at the night do. Security have been put on alert for such an attempt.

17. Traditional fruit cake will not be served at the reception. Instead a giant Mcdonald's Apple pie will be wheeled before the amazed guests. It is rumoured that David and Victoria Beckhams will emerge from the piping-hot half-tonne pie, but the 'Bend it Like Beckon' power couple have remained tight-lipped about the likelihood of such an event.

18. The guests will all be served roast chicken, except the Queen, who will feast on her own swan that nobody else is allowed any of, not even Philip, who might be dead by then anyway.

19. The venue will feauture a toilet that only the Queen is allowed to shit in. The Royal dump is typically taken between the main course and dessert a tradition established by Queen Victoria.

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Laters, Cubefans